Chronic Pain: Reflecting on my youth

When we reflect back on when our pain began we can see how far we have come. Sometimes when we are coping with pain it is easy to feel overwhelmed with it all. Especially when over the years it has gotten worse or, like me, you have gained more than one medical condition that causes pain.

But if you have been in pain for years and you look back to when that pain started you will notice a lot of difference. Your coping strategies have evolved from the automatic responses we have at first to the thoughtful, learned coping strategies we learn later. Our mindset can change a lot as well, although that can fluctuate.

In the Beginning of My Pain Story

For me, pain came early due to hypermobile joints. I used to complain to my mom about the pain in my joints and I went to the doctor often about the pain and other issues that came up with this pain. I don’t remember much of this aside from having wicked insomnia. I remember a lot of doctor appointments. A lot of blood work. Painful knees, which are still painful to this day.

By the time I was in my teens that pain became more widespread. And the insomnia was intense. Along with it some hefty fatigue. By the time I was twenty I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

How I Coped When I Was Young

Honestly, it was avoidance when I was a teen. Activity avoidance and skipping school to sleep. By the time I got to university I quite enjoyed myself. My classes were quite a bit more engaging and, therefore, it was more interesting to talk with my peers. I liked to go out a lot.

Bit of a problem with pain and fatigue though. Especially when you have intense insomnia. I couldn’t really keep up with my peers and all their activities. So I sort of really burned out. And then I got depressed because the pain and fatigue got worse. I couldn’t just push through like I wanted to. I couldn’t just be the way I wanted to be.

So I hit a major wall and wasn’t coping well at all. I wasn’t pacing. I had a hefty bout of depression. All in Freshman year of University.

My solution back then

I took a year off classes to cope with that burn out and depression. That year off was hard but necessary. I needed it to deal with the depression.

When I returned I had some rules. I could go out, but not every University Thursday night, Friday Night and Saturday night. Just One night. And not necessarily so. Sometimes every two weeks. It depended on my studies which were my priority.

My studies were the utmost importance so when I had a high workload I focused on that. I rested when I needed to. I didn’t miss classes though. I just made sure I got all the rest I needed before class, after class. To compensate for the lack of sleep. And I got all my work done during the week so I could go out on Friday or Saturday. One of those days, not both.

I couldn’t work while taking classes. All my income outside of loans was made in the summer months. I just could not do work and do school at the same time. I didn’t have the pain tolerance or the energy for it. The summer jobs took a massive toll on me and made me really consider what sort of work I would be able to do after school. I think I was still wrong about that in the end, but I tried figuring it out.

Pacing

I figured out how to pace my activities and I did so. I promptly forgot this lesson when I went into the workforce. But for university, it worked quite well for me. I have just leaned this lesson more than once. Denial kicks in and I forget it when I decide I have goals and ambitions that far exceed my capacity to cope. Pacing goes out the window.

Depression

I managed the depression I had in my freshman year by taking that year off and adapting to the pain. This pain and fatigue management strategy I had basically kept that at bay. It didn’t come back again until I was working full time at a job that didn’t work well for me. Depression seems to be a risk factor when I am forcing myself into a life that do not work for my body, my mind or my spirits in some way or form (And obviously the pain.)

Socializing

As I said this was important. But going out at the pace other people were wasn’t feasible. So once a week or every two weeks was manageable for me with my studies. And then having people over at the house I rented with my roommates was another alternatives, where we would play card games or video games. So I socialized a fair bit, just in ways that worked for me.

I never went out for long. Not all nighters. Not for me. I moderated my activities. I moderated my drinking. And this helped me a lot. That isn’t to say I didn’t have a blast. And dance the night away. And drink a little too much sometimes. Because I really did have a fun time back in the day. Definitely had some nights where I closed the place down with friends and had too much. And then staggering back home with a hot dog and a Slurpee.

Exercise

I exercised by walking to and from campus, around town and on campus. As I didn’t drive at the time. I also rollerbladed for fun. And when I got a dog, I walked him as well. So I got plenty of the sort of exercise that benefited fibromyalgia. Had I known this sort of exercise was actually quite a good goal for fibromyalgia I would have sustained it. But no one tells you the sort of exercise to actually do.

Coping

I think I coped quite well back in the day. After coping quite horribly. I pick myself up after I fall, shake myself off, and carry on. It was quite a bit more complicated by the time I was in the graduate program. My migraine attacks were almost daily and not at all managed. The fibromyalgia, not managed. They were quite tangled together. So the pain was complicating my focus. I needed to do some work at the same time. I also needed to commute to class. Do some in-depth research. I got through it fine but it wasn’t sustainable and that is why I went into the workforce. That turned out to be rather tricky for the migraine attacks and pain. But well, that is a different situation altogether.

I know I learned from not being able to cope and just crashing hard- to coping and pacing and moderating quite well within a year. I know we can adapt quite well in that way. I remember it so well. Maybe the flexibility of youth had something to do with it. Certainly, once we have obligations and responsibilities we feel more burdened to stick to things that are compromising our capacity to cope significantly. And keeping us in survival mode. Yet, we still learn. We still adapt. We still survive. We still learn new strategies. We are still capable of abrupt changes that significantly improve our lives. We just sometimes need more time to come to the conclusion that those changes are necessary.

We survive a lot more as life goes on. And we will continue to. Sunshine and rain, joy and pain.

Denial and Chronic Pain