Sometimes you have a feeling that is hard to name. Until you look it up and there it is. Altschmerz. Not a word I have ever come across but a feeling I have. (It translates to Old Pain in German but another source says it is not a German word. So maybe it is a made up word. And I am find with that. As a fiction writer, I make up words all the time. In the context of using it for a feeling I have for this post anyway because I like the descriptions.)
That is my end of the year thought really.
n. weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had—the same boring flaws and anxieties you’ve been gnawing on for years, which leaves them soggy and tasteless and inert, with nothing interesting left to think about, nothing left to do but spit them out and wander off to the backyard, ready to dig up some fresher pain you might have buried long ago. Thought Catalog
Another site defines it as, “Weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had—the same boring flaws and anxieties you’ve been gnawing on for years, which leaves them soggy and tasteless and inert, with nothing interesting left to think about…” (Source)
The listless, thick stagnancy of it all
Unfortunately, I think it comes with this sense of stagnancy and resistance to change. Like I am stuck in these issues and resistant to change. Or lack the self-efficacy for effective change. And I really do not like that feeling.
I get sick of the lack of positive progression. And in the end, I’ll blame myself for that. Even though it has been a rough year. No, I do not blame myself for not having any grad accomplishments in 2024- it has been that rough of a year that just getting by has been good enough without adding expectations on myself. But some sort of progression, I do sort of want that. Not as a timely goal. But not this feeling of being mired in my issues either.
And hell, not like I am the only one that had a rough year. Or a year of blah. Or a year that just was. I think this year was a rough one for a lot of people in so many ways. I don’t think I will get past how rough it was for me in the beginning very soon. I think it will linger in my mind for a long, long time. And maybe that is why my brain just feels so stuck right now. Like I have a hard time pulling my way out of the memory of that. And inching forward. Into some other form of being.
Change leads to growth and that is vital
But change is difficult to take on quickly with pain and fatigue. Any massive steps and you will kill any desire you had for change and go crawl under a rock. I have known this from past experience. Big steps equals big flares. And that kills the desire for change.
So I have been taking little steps this past year out of my hermit mode
- Once we moved and I settled in I have established a routine. And routine is pretty important. I have my cleaning routine set up pretty decently. For basic things and when I want to do more, I do. But the basics are set up for this place. Which makes it feel more settled.
- I am re-establishing an exercise routine for myself. Not entirely there yet because my exercise bike is not quite set up where it should be. Or it is, but it is surrounded by boxes we have yet to clear up. But getting some of my leg exercises done regularly which is important to me.
- I am getting out and about slowly. I went out to a writing event and have another set up for this Thursday. This does two things: Gets me out of my space and out among people and also sets a time up for writing creatively. I need to set aside some time to do hobbies which I have been lax on. And that is vital. And I need to have some time out of the apartment, because I can’t just saturate in my space all the time as it is bad for my mental health, especially in the winter. I have in the past had a bit of SAD but this year seems fine with just a good dose of vit D and time outside.
Next step is getting together with friends, which I have been lax on. And hopefully doing more art rather than just the doodles I have been doing- I have yet to set up something to do art around here. And go from there.
But that feeling still persists. Maybe I have a bit of ennui. Not sure. I feel a little out of sorts this year. Sometimes things happen that change us in ways we will never understand. Ways others will never understand. And that is okay. We all change. Our identity shifts. Our self shifts. Our lives shift. But for now I am not settled. Just wanting, I guess. Wanting wants.
Chronically Nikki 
Well, you know, the more I get through your posts, the more I get to the paths you had to go through to set your mind on paper.
And this time, regarding the change, what you wrote rang the tibetian bell I heard before while looking for a more spiritual path to cope with my own pain. And here is a point you helped me to remind.
We identify change as a challenge, while many of us look for positive and negative setting for the change. In the same time, many of us also look for ‘no change’ to set sure and controllable marks in their humdrummy daily life. For many reasons (often wrong), change has a bad reputation. But in a spiritual way, change is the key to a profound understanding of our lifes, our loves and our pains. No need to find here positive or negative features, cause change has no values, except the ones we need to set it in. From my point of view, and you conclude your post in the same way, we are definitely not wired to understand what changes bring but, for many of us, we deeply feel it flow our veins, our tears, our hearts. Understanding change may be a tricky challenge for our brain, never when it comes to our hearts that feel the change. To say so, never expect the change to bring you a better balance in you, expect it to get in the flow of life and invite you in the flow.
Thanks for your post (btw, litterally, in german Altschmerz can also be the shortened construction of Alternativ + Schmerz, which means ‘another type of pain’)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. I love that translation ‘another type of pain’. Change can be problematic in many ways, or perceived as such but I see it as growth in so many ways, whether we welcome that or not. And the lack, therefore, bothers me immensely. So I seek just things to spur difference in my life. Hoping for a spark of something
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your comment. It’s never easy to feel what others feel, cause many times words are so restrictive, even very precise but I’ll try. I understand the dizzy heights of nothing, the absence of change while brain and heart are living for any change, for its occurence, for its appearance, expected as The light.
You look for a spark… Many spiritualists, many thinkers, many physicists longed for the spark in deserts of nothing until they found it. In the so desolate vaccuum of space or the vaccuum of being, where no light shines, no sound to be heard, no apparent change, there is… A tremendous and continuous explosion of matter, energy and, for life, being. Deep in nothing, change is happening everytime, everywhere. For scientists or artists or sensitive people eager to go forward and higher in what they are looking for, going deeper to find their spark is the answer they expected. This makes me think to this guy in northern India some 2600 years who found his spark looking in himself and teached billions of people how to find serenity in the turbid flow of life. Cause life is an epiphenomenon of the sparks beneath and for those who know where to look, life may restart at anytime if they take the time to look at what is beneath and take time to touch what brink the spark.
So, n.a., where is your spark?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ugh, so relatable! Here’s hoping 2025 gives us all a break! đŸ¥°
LikeLiked by 1 person