Restless Days and those restless nights

The old Blog

I could have completely re-instated my blog my installing the download but, I had been hacked and that was lost. So I start fresh. I so have a lot of posts I had made from a book I am figuring out and I may use some of those from a new point of view. Not sure.

Anyway, I used to blog at BrainlessBlogger.net for ten years or so. And it will take a long time to get all the people back that followed me on there. Great times on that blog. Nothing wrong with starting fresh though. I dig that too.

I needed the break though because my health was quite poor. And still is. It was the vertigo then the drop foot. Now weakness and problems walking. And once again they speculate it may be MS. I have no idea if it is but walking is problematic. Stairs are problematic. Falling is problematic. Getting up from a fall… problematic. You get the point. I needed that break to get some sort of grip on this level of functionality, which- I don’t have yet.

It seems like it has been a long time and it really hasn’t.

A lot seems to have changed. And a lot really hasn’t.

The way it has been

I moved to an apartment. The house was a bit costly these days. Downsized everything a lot but this place is a bit cluttered still.

I have been doing a lot of art. But I’m at a standstill with that at the moment do to something that happened. Not to mention some hand flexibility issues.

I adopted a cat named Mister. Who is deeply traumatized and has yet to really get used to us, or to Charlie. And Charlie had yet to get used to him. Although he is coming out of hiding more and we are hearing him actually meow now which is a positive sound to hear.

My health has declined but I am not sure why. And I am trying my best to do all the things to keep it level or regain some functionality- but so far- not so much. But we will see.

The way forward

As such I have entered a level of stagnation around the house as I struggle to maintain a level of activity. I am not being mentally stimulated. Or invested in anything. It makes me restless during the day. This lack of things to mentally do. And I am restless enough at night, I don’t need it during the day.

My sleep is fragmented as a lot of people with chronic pain is. Those restless nights with my RLS and pain. I sleep maybe 4-5 hours. I get up for a bit, maybe three hours and I am back in bed for another 3 hours to get my full sleep. I don’t like fragmenting my sleep like this but a sleep specialist once told me that sleep is vital and breaking it up might be the only way I can do it with pain. It is insane the lengths I have to go to get 7-8 hours of sleep. When I was working this was one impossible task and I was constantly sleep deprived. I’m thankful that I have the time needed to work in those 8 hours over the morning.

Then the day is filled with all the things I have to do- in slow motion. Do housework-minimal. Do exercises- the sort I can do. All the things. With breaks. Working up some pain and fatigue. Some days this necessitates a nap. None of which engage my mind. Because none of it engages my mind it causes this insane relentlessness in me. A sense of stagnation that bothers me immensely.

A huge problem for me being on disability. This lack of Interest. Of being invested in something. So I need to do something. One psychiatrist speculated I have ADHD and maybe he was right. I think not, but I do need to feel productive in some way. I think we all need to feel some sort of meaningful productivity. In the ways we define meaningful and in the ways we define productive- not the ways society may define them because that can be harmful. Either way, I need this mental engagement in Something. Blogging again naturally occurred to me but I worry I can’t keep up with it like I once did, so we will see.

I will begin step by step and see if my brain kicks in with it. I have to tweak some things along the way.

Right now, I struggle to accept this difficult loss in functionality while I wait to see my neurologist next month. Wait to see him and see what he says. See if he says maybe this actually is MS or not. And what could it actually be? Sometimes there are no answers. That is what he said to me last time. I am not sure I find that an acceptable response at this current point as I struggle to walk.