I have a sort of internalized stigma and we all gather these up from the world and absorb them. But I have this problem where I have the inability to understand all the time that hurting myself by pushing myself to do something to the point of causing harm does not equate Being Able to Do the Thing.
Push through the pain
Just push through the pain. Grin and bear it it. Suck it up, buttercup.
I used to do this all the time. All the time. I used to think this was the way through. Hit that wall. Hit it again. Hit it again. Pain hits back, hard. Knocks you down. Until you simply do not get up.
But society says, smile, put on a facade, just push through it. And maybe this will somehow show something. Like maybe you are not weak. Or maybe if you push through the pain there will be some sort of gain. Or some sort of end. Or some sort of treatment.
There is no winning at this game. All there is is more pain. A boom and bust flare game that causes more flares. More pain. More fatigue. And then, burn out. And leaves from work. And a workplace that is rather not fond of you, for sure. And all you get in return is a decline in your health. And survival mode. And more decline in your health.
Reboot. Repeat. And do it all over again.
That was the sort of internal stigma I had taken on. The sort of denial I wore for a long time until my health declined to the point denial was simply quite impossible.
Now, push through the Fatigue
I seem to have brought this lesson over into fatigue now that I’m on disability. I gather it is a form of if a run around and accomplish things before the fatigue catches up with me- then I win the day or something. Even though the cost seems to catch up with me the next day and sometimes the next day after that.
Let’s just ignore that
Just ignoring symptoms in order to do the thing doesn’t mean I am able to do the thing either. I injured my arm, in an impossible way that no one can explain now or ever- and I went to physiotherapy until I ran out of physio points and did cortisone shots. Before that I simply kept doing things- in pain with severely restricted movement like it would magically heal itself because if I ignore it and it goes away- then its not a problem and let’s face it, less doctors appointments when you’re disabled is better than More.
I do the things
All I am saying is that is that pausing to reflect on whether this thing I am doing will in fact cause me more pain or fatigue and need to be broken down into smaller tasks is a good process to go through. Rest breaks are a good routine to encourage.
And I do those things. But not consistently. Because I don’t want to be lazy. I don’t want to waste a day. I don’t want to do nothing. I don’t want to accomplish nothing.
And what happens when I push myself is the next day- I accomplish nothing. I am so tired- or blown away by a migraine- or so fatigued and laid out I can’t even function.
Pacing is just a lifestyle at this point. And doing things differently is also a routine I should remember is just the way it Is. Forgetting these things does more harm than good.
It isn’t that I remember my healthy self and think ‘oh, I can do this.’ It is that my brain, deep inside, remembers all the things people have said over the decades and insists I do More. And more. And more. With some sort of internalized stigma. Won’t I feel Better if I just do More?
Not all the time. Oh, no. Just sometimes. And I know when I am doing it. And for some reason don’t stop myself from doing it either. And I exhaust myself. Because I can’t seem to bloody well pace for fatigue because of this issue.
I will have to though. Because fatigue management is as vital as pain management. I get that. And more so now with MS than it was before. It is a very delicate balance for me to conserve what I have and just use it carefully, pause, reflect, rest and use more.
Chronically Nikki 
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