Multiple Sclerosis and denial

I have an appointment at the Multiple Sclerosis clinic here coming up on December 11 to see the neurologist there. I will likely get medication. Which I have been waiting for.

I have been waiting for that medication with the fear of an impending relapse. How I have dealt with that fear, primary, is with straight up denial. It didn’t start that way. I confronted it head on. And then, I didn’t.

I do not want MS, by the way. I know, who does? No one, that’s who. But I have chronic illnesses and I deal with them the best I can and this has added a burden on top of it that tipped the scales into disability. Starting with the vestibular event that led to my disability from work.

My neurologist at the time didn’t think it was MS then. Or later. Or after that. And I was relieved. But then came that lumbar puncture and the 4 O-bands. The diagnosis. At the time, I thought okay, this is a thing I will deal with. I bought a few books. I looked into it. He said no medication until the next relapse. And I was not cool with that but I waited.

Then the thinking started. Some hard thinking. And fear. Just fear.

Denial

I decided then I would be in denial. My old friend denial. And why not, we can be in denial again and again if we want to. Over many things. At many times. I ardently didn’t want this disease. As if wishing it would not be true would Make it SO.

I was intimidated by this autoimmune disease. What it could do to my brain. What the next relapse could do. All the possibilities.

I did not want this thing.

I did not want to think about it.

Talk about it.

Read about it.

Understand it more than I already did.

I contemplated alternative scenarios. Like the vestibular event being vestibular migraines. And the drop foot being caused by hypermobility. And other things. Then I had a pseudo flare but still I rationalized that. Then leg weakness and I rationalized that.

But as I came up upon this appointment and I knew I would face my new neurologist I had to face the facts of the situation. I had to look at my reports and findings. Look at them, read them, accept them so that I can talk to my neurologist about them.

There is fear and denial and then there is knowing. And I know a thing or two. And I looked up a thing or two. I even Chat GPT’d a thing or two about lesion locations and what they meant for a diagnosis with 4 O-bands and the criteria. And no surprise, not great results there. And my symptoms fit my lesions. No surprise there.

I thought of alternative explanations. Sure. I contemplated a lot of other things. It just never made any sense. Not if you used Ockham’s razor: “a philosophical principle that suggests the simplest explanation, requiring the fewest assumptions, is usually the correct one.” And I could come up with more convoluted health explanations. But they just make less sense. And are more complex. That basically textbook MS fitting basic criteria.

Specifically,

Vertigo and drop foot (Deepseek)

• Vertigo & Balance Issues: Perfectly explained by the lesions in the left superior cerebellar peduncle (disrupts cerebellar coordination) and the dorsal cervicomedullary junction (disrupts brainstem vestibular nuclei).
• Right Foot Drop: Perfectly explained by the lesion in the left posterior fronto-parietal region (disrupts motor control pathways for the right leg).

Even the leg weakness is explained by my existing lesions.

But I do need another MRI.

I could explain everything by alternative means but I fit all the criteria. And denial will just delay treatment.

My initial thoughts on MS diagnosis