Please don’t say that: It’s not worse

Things never to say to someone with chronic illness or chronic pain

• Aren’t you glad it isn’t worse?
• I mean, at least it’s not… cancer.
• It isn’t like your liver fell out.
• Not like your kidney’s exploded or anything.
• I mean, aren’t you grateful that it isn’t spleen implosion?
• I can see why you think you have it bad but it’s not like you spontaneously combusted.
• At least you’re not a zombie craving brains you can’t get.
• Frankly, I don’t see why you are complaining about pain, it isn’t like you broke every bone in your body.
• I mean, it can’t be that bad because you, like, still exist.

Okay, so stop telling people it could be worse. Yeah. It could be worse. It can always be worse. But it sure as hell could be better.

Everyone is aware things could be worse. Worse can in fact happens. Let’s not think about worse. We in fact tell ourselves this very things sometimes: this thing could be worse. Just to get through.

Then sometimes worse happens and we are laid out for weeks. Months. Years. So we are keenly aware worse is a possibility. We are aware of worse.

But it isn’t just that you don’t have to tell us this… you really, really shouldn’t tell us this.

Invalidating our experience

You’re basically saying ‘Hey, you don’t have it bad compared to literally any random hellish scenario I can come up with, therefore your experience isn’t really worthy’. Sorry, not sick enough, so buck up buttercup. What is that saying? Not sick enough to be believed or too disabled to matter? Is that what this is about?

It isn’t about how worse it could be. It is about our experience with how bad it actually is and coping with that. And, hell yeah, it is damn hard to constantly deal with this. To say our experience isn’t as valid because it isn’t the worst case scenario is hurtful.

You’re not making us feel better by pointing out what is worse. You are making us feel like our experience isn’t valid.

Diminishing our suffering

Similar to the first point, basically this diminishes the suffering we are actually in. We may actually be having a difficult time coping. So pointing out it could be worse just erases the fact we are suffering. Acknowledging our experience and our struggle is better than diminishing our experience of suffering altogether.

Guilt

We are always told to push through. In various insidious and often subtle ways. And when you tell as ‘at least it isn’t something worse’ you are making us feel guilty for not being able to do things and not being functional enough. And as a result, we may try to push beyond our limits and if we do that long enough… it will be worse, much worse.

Guilt can be killer. We immediately think that person is telling us we should be able to function… because it isn’t worse. So we should feel guilt and shame for not being able to function. And that is bullcrap.

Also, by the way, this can turn back on you

Everyone with chronic illnesses could also point out how much worse things could be in your life too. And that wouldn’t make you feel Heard about the problem or experience you are having. It would make you feel distinctly like you are complaining. And maybe that I was a dick to brush off your experience. Because, yeah, it is a bit dickish.

We all get that when people say this they do not mean to make us feel like we are not being heard for the experience we are having at that moment. What you mean is… hey it could suck More. So count our blessings. Be grateful. Be thankful. And that really just diminishes what we are feeling. I know the value of being grateful and thankful for the things in my life already. I know the research behind that. What it does to my brain. And how it works for me.

When I have struggled the most in my life and heard this sort of thing it really hurt. Because I wasn’t coping well at all. Then I would think there must be something wrong with me that I can’t cope well. And that I should just really, really push through and function like a normal human being. And I got worse. And worse. So don’t tell me it could be worse. Not when I am not coping well and my actions and your words could lead to… worse. Or worse happens and I have to then deal and cope with that, which just happens too.

Reprint from brainlessblogger.net

Please Don’t Say That, Part I