“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare like you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.” -Ned Vizzini
Pain can sometimes be an incomprehensible situation. A complex problem to treat that leaves you with still pain that can’t be quite managed. With all sorts of strategies you have come across and you throw those at the wall hoping they will do something. Just something.
At times wondering what this thing is. What this life with pain is. Fluctuating and everchanging. And we have to be ever adapting to it. With a sort of momentous resilience that seems like it must be impossible to sustain forever. But you persevere and even you have no idea how you do it. Even you have no idea how you continue within this realm of this waking nightmare. Sleep is a wonderful thing indeed, if one can even say you can achieve that for long.
It definitely wears on me emotionally. Certainly these days. I want to contain the intensity of that as if it is somehow something I shouldn’t express. Or shouldn’t feel. But I can’t. Or won’t, I suppose. I just let it come out in all its waves and let myself just drown in it for a bit. Nothing wrong with feeling the intensity of emotional pain sometimes. To just not be so very, very resilient all the damn time. To bend just a little so we do not break.
Chronically Nikki 