There be days like this
Where the pain owns you for a bit.
I’m on Tramadol for pain. It was given to me for Fibromayglia. And one of the only ones I can take for pain because I do not rebound on it due to my chronic migraine with aura disease. I doubt that would be the case with other opiates. I know it isn’t the case with some, so not even worth trying. Truly unfortunate because pain is an issue.
I do know the pain clinic said if I have MS, which I do, they recommended I see my neurologist for follow-up for more specific treatment. But my neurologist isn’t inclined to put me on medication at the moment so I am in limbo.
I am at the dosage of Tramadol the pain clinic is comfortable giving me. I have no idea if it is a lot. I can say it definitely doesn’t seem like it is. And yesterday and today I would say it seems like nothing at all. I do often wonder what my pain level would be like without it to be in the pain I am in currently, which is substantially higher than I recommend. I recommend very little, of course. Pain isn’t fun. I must be in epic pain levels actually under the layer of Tramadol. Or the Tramadol only dulls it slightly. Just not sure.
All I know is, there are days like this. Weeks like this. Where moving is problematic. Specifically joints. I go through the day clicking and grinding my gears, regretting simple movements.
Obviously, when pain is high I have problems sleeping and doing every day chores. Concentrating. Doing the things. I’m dizzy. I’m nauseated. I’m tired but can’t rest. A migraine usually jumps on board because of the lack of sleep.
It feels like time stands still. And I just am a lump. Waiting. And waiting for the pain to just ease a little bit. But it doesn’t. So I do things infinitely slow. And what a price we pay even doing that.
The normal state of affairs
Isn’t it sort of sad that the normal state of affairs is pain. That somewhere in the body, or the body itself, is pain? But not epic levels. No, no, functional tolerable levels. A learned tolerance levels.
Because we build up a tolerance and learn a certain level of functionality with chronic pain. Because we have to. We have to have some semblance of a life. I want some semblance of a life.
So the pain is constant background noise. Sit like this. Stand like this. Find a chair at all times. Rest when you can. Don’t stand too long. Use some pain cream. Use some ice. Use some heat. Rest. Don’t walk too far today. Use some alternative therapies. Use a pain killer. More pain cream. Rest.
All the things we do to manage it are just so normal and commonplace in the day in order to function at the level we can function at. And still that pain noise is always there. Eating at our focus and concentration. Making us adjust ourselves when we sit. Fidget. Sit, stand, sit. Rub out back, knee, arm, shoulder or whatnot. Stretch. Maybe exhibiting no pain behaviors at all. But feeling that constant ache, throb, pulse, shooting pain while we talk to someone such that it is a constant distraction. Or when we do things so that it is a constant reminder to rest after.
And it is just normal. It skews our pain scale. It skews our understanding of the pain scale. It skews our understanding of pain and what it should be. It alters how we communicate to doctors about our pain. It’s ‘not that bad’ because ‘I’m tolerating it’.
But of course, it isn’t normal at all. And all the things we do to manage and get by are not normal at all either.
But we adjust. We cope. We manage.
Until we don’t
Because when I was working full time with chronic migraine disease, every day a migraine, and fibromyalgia that wasn’t being managed fully- I sure didn’t feel like I was adjusting, coping or managing. Not at all.
I was in survival mode. I was falling hard. I was scraping by inch by inch. I burned out, more than once, and that takes time to recover from, which they do not allow. So you fall into depression, which no one has time for. So that gets worse. And the pain gets worse. It is a horrific spiral.
I had to go down to part time eventually after a lot of trauma and things that shouldn’t have happened. And still, barely getting by. The chronic stress of it just didn’t help. That is when I got chronic vertigo. Which was likely a MS symptom, hindsight. One of a few back then. Only then did I qualify for disability. Not the pain. Not the depression. But all of it, plus the chronic vertigo. Honestly, pain like that should be taken more seriously. I wish I had myself taken it more seriously. Things might have happened differently. But my mindset was always ignore it, power through it, fake it till you make it. And burn out. And repeat.
Then, and only then, did I learn how to somewhat adapt, cope and manage
After some time with vestibular treatment, which took a while. I then could focus on the pain a bit. And the depression. Not working helps with pain management because I can do all the things I need to do to manage the pain. Like exercise and meditation and everything else.
But pain is a complicated beast. And it is worse even than it was due to the complexities of my medical conditions. So even with pain management. Even not working. There are weeks when I simply can’t function. I can’t get things done. I can’t really get around. And sleep has been complicated by pain for a while now. Sleep is in intervals. And it isn’t restful. Tramadol just doesn’t seem sufficient these days but it is what I have and it will have to do. I will have to manage with my other strategies. And during these high pain times a lot of rest. Much needed rest.
I don’t miss a healthy body. I had pain even young from my joints. I miss the days of lesser pain. Better mobility. Less fatigue. So, better quality of life. I worry it will get worse. And why I want to work on Maintaining where I am, if at all humanly possible. But I can’t worry about a future that doesn’t yet exist. I can only be as I am now, take care of my body and self as I am now. That is the best I can do.
Flare
Pain flares happen. Not much we can do about it. Sometimes distraction helps. Sometimes the pain is the distraction that we can’t get past, and then we must simply rest. We just have to ride it out. As best we can.
And ponder the trigger. Stress? The weather? Existentialism? Too much Muchness? Who knows.
At this point, not even sure where the pain is even coming from. MS? Fibro? Both? I have no clue.
And this is all I can post about today. Because. Pain is on the brain.
The pain intensity is enough to drive a person up the wall and back though
And sadly,
There be days like this
Chronically Nikki 
Never. No one, not even doctors and therapists, can fully understand the pain of another person, and even less the suffering that person endures. But there is one thing we can all understand : suffering always remains an option, while nothing prevents pain from striking our bodies and our souls.
Sometimes. Here comes in your text ‘sometimes’ in its right place. Where there is never there is sometimes. Nothing is always present, nor even completely absent. Even pain. I hope that, when reading this, your suffering disappears quietly like during a rest or a meditation. Because this is the goal of compassion.
Even a few, there are also moments, hours, days like that.
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I find in high pain suffering is harder to combat than in times with lower pain. The pain is more insistent which makes the mental and emotional toll more persistent. Sharper. But even so, as you say there are moments and hours where I can peel them apart and suffering diminishes even if the pain persists in its insistence.
Even now, I have my ways of reducing suffering. On such bad days. Which years ago, I didn’t have the capacity. I didn’t have the mental space for it. The pain took up too much space, I think, and the mental anguish filled the rest. I couldn’t fathom separating pain from suffering then. Even though, they can be. But figuring that out, sometimes, can take a long time. For a time, back then, it is something I didn’t believe possible.
There is a meditation I do where you breath into your pain. And you wouldn’t think it would be relaxing. Breath into it. Hold. Release it. It eases tension. Perhaps not the pain signal itself. But the muscle tension around it. I like it because it is indeed relaxing to relax into that with no emotional or mental attachment to the pain. Just breathing into it, holding, and releasing. It can help me release suffering. Or if not, have self-compassion for the suffering I am having in that moment which can be necessary to lesson its impact.
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Thanks. Even in the roughest seas remains the trace of the most peaceful lake. During migraine attacks or neuralgia, during muscle or nerve pain or deep psychological disruptions, we should remind what you suggest and practice. Nothing is really lost while suffering. Key is to release it, release everything linked to it. More or less, with time, this is a path you succeed to walk through. Everyone reading this here can be relieved. In a sense, suffering can be released. A shed of light and some hope in our dark days… Thanks again.
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