Sometimes I get the lyrics to Tubthumping stuck in my head when I think about my health. It’s an absurd song to get stuck in my head but it is what it is. It’s stuck in there.
Just the one verse:
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You are never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You are never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You are never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You are never gonna keep me down
Bobo doll
It reminds me of the Bobo doll. This old toy you may not even know about that was used in these experiments on child aggression. I think the bottom was filled with sand or something and the top was just air.
So you punched it and it would bow down, and just come right back up again.
Push it down and it would come back up. Smack it down and it would come back up.
And I think, yeah, I have been rolling with the punches for quite some time. I fall, but I get right back up again. Or I fall for a bit, and get back up a bit slowly, but I get back up again. Or I quite literally fall and I quite literally have trouble getting back up but I do, so far.
It may take a little bit of time, but you get back up. And get back up. And get back up. And Get back Up.
There are no knights in shining armour
You have to figure out how to get back up again because no one is there to just pick you up. You just have to figure it out. You are the hero in this story. You are the protagonist. I was the one that had to put all the work in. I am the one that has to put all the work in right now. Not that we can’t get help from various doctors and medical professionals- because we do. But when it comes down to the work- that is all us.
Out of my deepest darkest depression in the end, I got out of that. No one could do that for me. But I sure took the slow road on that one. I definitely took advice and I definitely sought treatment but in the end, no one could do the work but me.
Doctors often tell me a problem and never tell me what to do about that problem. Not saying they do not actively treat us. Just sometimes not so much. Or there is nothing they can do. And sometimes a lot of the things are on us. All the lifestyle changes. All of the physio (with the help of physiotherapists of course) and exercise. That damned hard stuff. But no one is there pushing you to do those things. You are.
Routines
The damnedest thing about all that is that routines are so difficult with chronic illness and chronic pain. Trying to maintain routines you should be doing is so difficult when day to day changes so much. I want to exercise minimum three days a week. Maybe my body really doesn’t agree with that plan. So I maybe sometimes I do anyway, and by doing so I cause a massive flare in pain and can’t for days and days. So much for routine. It is on me to figure out when I can. When I can’t. And how much.
When it knocks me down. I get back up.
Advice
And when it comes to really hard advice. No one is there to give it to you. You just have to figure it out the hard way. And there doesn’t actually seem to be an easy way. How much exercise should I be doing? What sort? Should I be doing more kinds? How should I be maintaining my mobility? Am I doing the right things?
And then you crouch down and you can’t get up. So you struggle and find a way. Because you must.
Coping
Coping is a process. Some days we cope awesome. Some days we suck at it. But we have to give ourselves a whole lot of credit. We are the ones that learned all these coping skills- the hard way. We are the ones doing this every single day. We are the Bobo doll getting knocked down over and over again and getting up every single time. So rest on your bad days without the guilt. Pace yourself and know your pace is just slower.
This is our life. Not anyone else’s. We don’t owe anyone an explanation. We don’t need to validate our pain. We don’t need to explain our disability. We have to live this life and therefore we have to play by the rules. If I am the one doing the work here then I am the one that knows the rules. Obviously, I listen to reasonable medical advice. But not so much random person #408 who suggest cure #5790. That isn’t in my rulebook.
I get knocked down a lot. Sometimes I rest there a bit. But I get back up.
Chronically Nikki 
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