When I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, my neurologist told me over the phone. I will talk about what specifically he said in another post. But suffice to say, he said I have MS as of the lumbar puncture results.
I Wrote This Passage at Diagnosis
July 2024, is the date of my MS diagnosis. And I am tired.
Yes, tired is to be expected. Yes, it has been that way for a bit really. So very tired. This heavy fatigue that makes it near impossible to do things. My diagnosis came on with vertigo and balance problems. It came later with drop foot. And a numb dominate hand. My hand hurts and it has mobility and dexterity issues that make it hard to write and do art. Heat can be a problem for walking. Things I know.
I’m new to this. What is MS and what isn’t, I’m not entirely sure. What causes problems, I’m not entirely sure yet.
But That Isn’t What I Mean.
I am tired of One More Thing. One more health problem and a major one at that. Health problems multiplying for years. From chronic migraine disease to fibromyalgia. One thing complicating another thing. Symptoms mixing with symptoms. And how can I even tell a MS relapse with all those other symptoms anyway? Because I have no answer to that.
One more thing to learn. To figure out. To demand I get treatment for. To learn enough to know I am getting proper treatment for. To know what I am supposed to do. What vitamins to take. If any? Vitamin D, I expect. Maybe. What diet to do. If a special diet will even work. To have the energy to do those things. All the Effing Things.
When it is hard to even write this in my notepad. Should have just written it straight onto the computer. But with brain fog, I need time to think. Hard to think. Hard to even hold this pen.
So I do nothing. I do the very small things.
I get up. I get dressed. I eat. I do a little cleaning. The essentials. I nap. I try to be motivated. I’m not.
My brain is eating itself. The fatigue is weighing me down like a heavy weighted blanket wrapped so tightly around me I can’t breathe. I am already fading away bit by bit. Just by increments. No one notices. Just me and these walls. Nothing but these walls. Its endless. Sameness. Even in difference its the same.
I’m aware of the slide into depression. Because this One More Thing is just exhausting for me. But that is it. I am tired. It is immense. And I could sleep and sleep and sleep some more. It would never be enough. I can’t find words that exist to explain the level of heaviness that comes with this fatigue that melted into my soul and bones.
I expect a certain amount of knowledge fatigue has to come with multiple illnesses. After a time. Just enough. And the complexity of symptoms. It gets to be too much. But we endure, don’t we? We persevere. Because we must.
So. There isn’t any choice really. I have to learn the things. Read the books. Figure the things out. I have to do the things. I have to take all the steps even if they are such tiny steps no one even notices them. Bit by bit. Inch by inch. Nap by nap. Do the Things.
But, damn, I’m tired.
Chronically Nikki 