Ennui
A feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement. (Google)
There is this state that comes after a setback when you have yet to quite adjust to things – this stagnant, listless, lethargic state I get in. One of ennui. I find myself here. Trying to move forward but just not having the motivation or energy to do much of anything. Or even the desire to do much of anything.
It was that everything was such a heavy burden in the last few years that I went through mostly alone. And it was incredibly taxing to me physically and mentally. Then it released. It ended and I am trying to adjust to the physical state I find myself in but my brain can’t quite grasp that all that stress is just gone. That it doesn’t have to deal with that constant assault of stress anymore.
I still have to deal with the fall out alone but that is to be expected. Life is like that. In the end we fight all our battles alone. I often say to myself, there are no knights in shining armour. We are that for ourselves. No one really cares about our battles. Our scars. We have to care for ourselves. And that is a burden in itself.
But the release in tension should be an immense relief to my body. And instead my mind doesn’t quite know what to do with itself. It has fallen into this ennui. As if it became used to this high stress and now it doesn’t quite know what to do with the lack of it.
How to fill the Void
On disability we have to fill the void of work any way we can. And with me I have to have mental stimulation. I need to constantly be active mentally. But with this ennui my motivation is sapped. And I find myself taxed to do anything. And nothing really grabs my attention like it should. No book draws me in and absorbs me. No art captivates me to create it. The book I am writing is going at a snails pace.
And there is all this time. Time I can’t seem to fill.
What do you do after the fall out of high stress? I’m not sure your brain knows entirely what to do with itself. Like it expects that stress and when it isn’t there- it just can’t figure out what to fill in the void.
Because all the stress puts you in a survival mode. And you got through it. But it was a high peak of stress. Now you are way down the slope. Out of that state. And all that heightened awareness and stress you needed to function is gone. Like you lost the ability to live with peace. And just Being. And no one I know cares about that so here I am all listless, floating along trying to adjust to a state of being that is normal (normal for me, given my health) when my brain has no idea what to do in it.
It feels like I need rest. And self-care. And more rest. And something I can’t name exactly. Something I don’t know what. This ennui lingers.
Isolation
I have made myself quite isolated in this process. And that I suppose doesn’t help. Not at all. Humans need humans. I suppose. That is what I was told a long time ago. Even introverts need humans, I was told. But I feel this need to just hibernate while I reflect and think.
Emotional fall out
What happens after enduring stress, when it is released abruptly- is you feel. And you feel strongly. But I had no one there for me for that. And I realized fairly quickly I had to just set that aside. Set it all aside. Put on my Facade. Pretend all was well. That is what people are comfortable with. And deal with things alone, as per usual. This didn’t surprise me really. And it didn’t make me sad. It just made me sort of stagnant. Flat. Listless. Ennui.
Thankfully, not depression. I have to constantly be aware of that state. Of which I have fallen into twice in my lifetime and would prefer to avoid again.
So I am processing things alone in all the ways I know how to do. As I have always done. But it is leaving me pretty tired. Pretty unmotivated. And I wonder if that is normal. Maybe it is a part of a healing process. A pause. A pause to reflect, introspect, and move on at my own pace.
The only way out, it through.
And through generally is through things I like to do. I just have to persist.
I found a book that captured my attention. So that is something. Reading is something I love to do. So maybe I am getting out of this state ever so slowly. Un-sticking myself from it. I listen to tunes while I write and again music is another thing that can give me that much needed boost.
I think of it as a much needed pause. And slowly I think I am finding my way forward from it. In all the ways I know how to do so.
Chronically Nikki 
Leave a comment