Productivity is one of those words I cringe when I hear. It has negative associations for me now with chronic pain and chronic illnesses. I was pondering my old relationship with productivity when I worked. It is not a pleasant one. And this is that tale:
Let’s talk work and career
I had a full-time 40 hour a work week salary job. I also had unmanaged chronic migraine and fibromyalgia. Among other health issues.
In the propensity-score matched sample, workers with chronic diseases were more likely to have increased absenteeism and presenteeism rates, 6.34 and 2.36 times the rates if no chronic diseases, respectively. In addition, they had greater odds for getting negative critical work incidents and less odds for positive incidents than none or balanced status. Multimorbidity showed more significant increase in absenteeism and presenteeism rates, as well as increased odds for excess negative critical work incidents.
Effect of Chronic Diseases on Work Productivity: A Propensity Score Analysis
This study is a little dated (2017) but I quoted it because like many studies it shows that when you are chronically ill with one or more conditions it increases absenteeism and presenteeism. Both of these are obvious facts. We miss more work. When we are present, we have a difficult time working. It also notes an increase in negative work incidents.
I reference this study because this was my experience with work. I pushed through the pain to work. Grin and bear it. Suck it up. Hide it all behind a facade with a smile and a joke. But pain and symptoms push back harder. It just made it worse. So you miss work. It also affects your quality of work- the sleep deprivation, the pain, the brain fog, and many other symptoms can come into play at work.
Negative push back from employer
The negative push back from my employer was harsh and that added a layer of stress on top to the physical, mental and emotional stress I already had. My job was threatened a few times. it was implied if there were layoffs I’d be the first to go- because, I was chronically ill and couldn’t manifest a cure for that. I was demoted, hired back up, demoted, hired back up. Threatened. Talked down to. Given an ultimatum.
I had more than a few short term leave of absences and two long term leaves. Every time I returned, it was expected I would be good to go. I wasn’t. It is just that hard with insurance companies to prove disability and I was definitely not good to go in the least bit. Something about chronic pain isn’t seen as a disability in-itself although it is horrific to endure in the workforce.
I missed work too often. So when I was actually sick, I came to work. A cold or mild flu was not much of anything compared to a severe pain day. And I could not afford to miss work. I worked with bronchitis. I worked with pneumonia. I worked while throwing up constantly. I worked going to the bathroom constantly so I had a bottle of Pepto in my drawer to get through that sickness- and also sometimes it was a symptom. I worked when I definitely should not have been. But the stress, guilt, shame and blame of calling in sick was something so difficult to bear I wouldn’t do it until the pain itself became intolerable.
Eventually, I would call in sick. And hate myself for it. I became severely depressed.
My boss gave me an ultimatum one day. I wouldn’t be allowed to miss another day. That was that. And a few days later I tried to kill myself. That is the thing about ultimatums when you are in that much pain and that severely depressed- there is always a third option. It was truly a horrific time. And I might not have survived it. I understand her position. But I don’t think she understood mine.
It wasn’t worth it. I was told so by many people. My doctor tried to get my on long term permanently. It was an endless cycle. I was the one that refused to let go of the idea of a career. The full-time income. The income I felt I needed to make to pay the bills and pull my weight and be a productive member of society. It wasn’t working. But I kept pushing and pushing and pushing. And I kept ending up on a short term leave. A repetitive pattern over and over again.
To this day I am not at all certain why I pushed myself like I did, especially in such a toxic environment. To hold onto a career like that. I could have left- but I knew finding another job given my health would be difficult. Still, for some reason I adamantly resisted the idea of a part time job (Other options were not really a thing then- online work wasn’t really around much).
The inevitable result is trying to maintain
I came off that first long term leave still depressed and still in pain. I was moved to another location. It did not help at all. In that location I also got the negative feedback from staff. I don’t blame them. They didn’t know me or how hard I used to work in pain. Or how ‘productive’ I used to be while in pain. Meeting all my targets- in pain. All they saw was the missed days. And someone with a whole lot of experience who couldn’t seem to focus or concentrate. My skills had gotten rusty and I was having a hard time with the pain refresh those skills. That is a problem of returning to work after so much time off. It can be difficult, especially when you have the exact same problems with pain, fatigue and brain fog. I had to learn new systems and remember everything I knew in a short matter of time. I just could not focus. All that knowledge just wouldn’t come to mind when I needed it. But the environment itself wasn’t toxic at least- I just wasn’t able to keep up.
So it was recommended to me that I go down to part-time and change roles. So I did. I knew it was pretty inevitable that I would have to go to part time. I just hoped that I could maintain it. But I still felt productive. I felt at least I could do this. At least this way I could somewhat manage my pain and still make some income. So sort of helping.
This is a viable option for many of us. However, it affects our income. Losing that income can be quite difficult and sometimes impossible. I had a common-law spouse so it was difficult but not impossible. Another viable option is working from home. Or flexible work from home and the office. Or work where you have flexible hours as long as you get the work done it doesn’t matter what time you do the work. That sort of thing. But those sort of jobs are hard to come by for many of us.
However, part time was difficult to maintain. I thought I was doing decently. The spaced out work schedule helped me somewhat with pain management. Not much you can do while working though. And pain is horrible for concentration- especially in a new role. Man, my memory sucked. It was difficult but I kept at it.
I maintained for a bit.
Then- not.
Disability
I am not sure if it was inevitable or not but I got sicker. Another symptom which previously had been episodic became chronic. My vertigo. It actually became severe. Started slow and then just became impossible to do anything with. That is when I inevitably had to go back on short term, then long term and then CPPD. And have been since.
Now this is a very hard choice to make. Or not a choice at all, but hard to accept that it has to happen. Because now your income is down to almost nill. I went from two incomes to one and a half to one and a tad. Same bills though. So a lot of compromises have to be made. And a lot of guilt comes with that.
And productivity is no longer tied to work at all. Worth isn’t tied to work at all. Value isn’t tied to work at all. Self-identity isn’t tied to work at all. All of that you have to sort out and find ways to feel productive in ways that are meaningful to you- not society- but to you. And all of that takes some time to figure out. It can be very tricky. Especially when functionality fluctuates. I have had other health issues crop up while on disability, so coping with fluctuating functionality can make whatever productivity you had difficult.
Productive
I was ‘productive’. It felt more like torture. Just a blur of sleep deprivation, pain and fatigue- no space for anything else because you were just done after making it through the day. There was nothing left to give after that. But, hey, at least I filled a role acceptable by society. And they hated me for it anyway because I could not function perfectly. Or well. Or at all, sometimes.
There was nothing acceptable about working in that much pain. Nothing. But it is the life of so many people. All that is talked about is their level of absenteeism, presenteeism and not how astonishingly productive they are given the conditions they work under. I was told by my psychologist I was very productive- if you accounted for my pain and fatigue. But they don’t account for that- do they?
reprinted from braiblessblogger.net post
Chronically Nikki 
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